by Peter Griffith

 

Dottie and Charles are cousins – and they hate each other.
When Charles comes to spend a day at Dottie's house, one disaster leads to another until everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong.
Is a happy ending possible?

 

 

Photos of 'My Cousin Charles'

 

 

Extract from the script 'My Cousin Charles'

Dottie: What do you want to play?
Charles: I don’t know. What have you got?
Dottie: Do you like playing football?
Charles: Yes. I’m very good at football.
Dottie: Well, we can play football.
Charles: My parents bought me a football with David Beckham’s signature on it.
Dottie: Oh. Well my football is just a cheap old football. But we can still play with it.
Charles: You can go in goal. I’ll shoot.
Dottie: All right. But we must keep away from this side here, because our neighbour isn’t very friendly.
Charles: Are you ready?
Dottie: Yes. (Charles takes the ball and performs a sequence of impressive manoeuvres) Are you going to shoot, then?
Charles: When I’m ready.
Dottie: Well come on, then.
Charles: When I’m ready. (Charles kicks elegantly, and Dottie easily catches the ball)
Dottie: Saved! Now it’s my turn to shoot.
Charles: No. I’m the striker. I’m Wayne Rooney.
Dottie: What?
Charles: I’m the striker - I score the goals. Give me the ball.
Dottie: So I have to spend the whole time in goal?
Charles: Of course.
Dottie: Oh. Right. Here’s the ball then. (Charles once again goes into a sequence of balletic ball-technique exercises) Well aren’t you going to shoot?
Charles: We can’t play here. The sun is in my eyes. We must put the goal over there.
Dottie: We can’t put the goal there. That’s where Mr Swother lives.
Charles: Who is Mr Swother?
Dottie: Mr Swother is our neighbour. He doesn’t like children. And especially, he doesn’t like children who play football.
Charles: When I kick a football, I know exactly where it goes. I won’t kick the ball over your neighbour’s fence.
Dottie: Well, if the ball lands in his garden, you go and get it back - OK?
Charles: It won’t land in his garden.
Dottie: Well come on - shoot then.
Charles: Don’t be impatient. You’re putting me off. (Charles kicks the ball through Mr Swother's window)
Dottie: Oh no! Now look what you’ve done.
Charles: It isn’t my fault. You didn’t save it. You didn’t catch the ball.
Dottie: But it was nowhere near the goal.